Cancer Sucks

If some one told you that your husband had cancer, how would you imagine you would react? When I think about it even now I play a movie out in my head where I fall to the ground and cry. But that is not what happened to me at all. I think that my reaction has surprised me more than many other things that have happened through out this trial. When they told us Josh had cancer my brain instantly went to "do not cry, be strong for him." After that reaction everything that went through my mind was "do not ______ be strong for him. Of course there have been times where I have let it all out, but most of those times were when I was alone.

The Friday before Josh's surgery he needed to get some blood work and an x-ray of his chest done. While waiting in the lobby for the x-ray there was a husband and wife sitting next to us and he had a button on his lapel that said "cancer sucks." I pointed it out to Josh and then Josh struck up a conversation with the man. Josh told him how he was just diagnosed that week. The man told Josh that he was diagnosed with lung cancer about a year ago but there was no way to rid his body of cancer. My heart ached in that moment. They called Josh's name and he went in to get his x-ray. The man's wife had one of those wrist bands on that said "cure cancer." I told her that I needed to get one of those. After a few minutes of small talk she told me to be strong for my husband because that is the best we as wives, can do.

It was at this time I realized I had become part of a club. I was the wife of a man with cancer. I was a member of the worst club ever but there are other women out there going through this. There are women that have been going through this for years and others like me who are just joining. I hadn't thought about myself at all through this but in this moment I could feel what this woman was going through and realized I am going through that too. I love Josh so much and I could not imagine my world with out him at the center of it. I looked at this woman whose husband just told us there is no cure for his cancer and it was the first time I started to tear up. Cancer. It seriously sucks.

I have thought about wallowing and pitying Josh and myself but I am not going to do that. There are things I am grateful for from experiencing this trial. I am so grateful that Landon is too young to realize what is going on. I am so happy he does not have to see his father going through this and understand the seriousness of it. He is just happy little Landon and his spirit is bringing the happiness we need in our home right now. He is such a joy and I know he is just so excited to have his dad pick him up and play with him again.

I am so grateful for all of the amazing people in our lives that have called to talk to Josh, emailed and facebooked kind words to him, sent cards, and came to visit. I am especially grateful for the wonderful friends and family that have made us meals because my family would be starving right now with out that help. There is so much love around us and that his really uplifted us.

I am grateful for my mom. She came here from Connecticut to be here for Landon so I could be there for Josh. Every single day that has gone by I have thought to myself "I could have never gotten through today without my mom." She has been the biggest blessing to us. It has been very humbling to be served by her.

More than anything I am grateful for my love and belief in the Lord. The power of prayer is real. God must have heard hundreds of prayers from so many people about Josh. And he answered every one of them. This has been a huge testimony builder for me. I love that I have a knowledge of the gospel.

The thought has never crossed my mind that I would lose Josh. I have always known that we would overcome this but I didn't know what to expect from the journey. I was unsure about what the treatment and recovery would bring. But this has brought us so much closer than I ever thought was possible. I love him. My gosh I love him.

I am grateful to be a member of this club because it has made me realize the beauty that life brings. Cancer sucks but life is wonderful. The little things just don't matter to me anymore. I am ready to pray for some one else. I am ready to pray for the man and his wife we met in the lobby at the hospital. I am ready to pray for a cure because I think it is time for this club to end.