Things are getting better with Josh every day. We went to the doctor last week and found out that his tumor was stage 3 cancer and we caught it before it went to stage 4. We also found out that the cancer didn't spread anywhere!! Yay!!! He will need to go in every 3 months for the next year for a CT scan and then every year after that. It is so amazing and now he just needs to recover.
It has been so nice to see him up and around the house. I can feel it getting back to the way it used to be. He gets tired pretty quickly but his spirits are up, he looks great, and he doesn't have any cancer in his body anymore!!
I am doing ok. It has only been two weeks and it feels like two months has passed. I am tired. I feel it catching up to me. The good news is we were able to get on Josh's insurance so I gave a two week notice and I am done working on April 6th. I am so excited to be a full time mom and get our home back in order.
I also decided that I want to run the Utah Valley Half Marathon and I want to raise money for cancer research. So I am running in honor of my husband in order to raise money for the Huntsman Cancer Foundation. Josh named our team. It is "Beards vs. Cancer." I love it! If you want to donate you can do so and I would love it!! Just click here!!
We feel the prayers still and we need them. Faith has carried us through this. Where would we be without faith? Without knowing that there is more for us then the trial at hand? I know without a doubt that without faith we would have never made it through this.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Cancer Sucks
If some one told you that your husband had cancer, how would you imagine you would react? When I think about it even now I play a movie out in my head where I fall to the ground and cry. But that is not what happened to me at all. I think that my reaction has surprised me more than many other things that have happened through out this trial. When they told us Josh had cancer my brain instantly went to "do not cry, be strong for him." After that reaction everything that went through my mind was "do not ______ be strong for him. Of course there have been times where I have let it all out, but most of those times were when I was alone.
The Friday before Josh's surgery he needed to get some blood work and an x-ray of his chest done. While waiting in the lobby for the x-ray there was a husband and wife sitting next to us and he had a button on his lapel that said "cancer sucks." I pointed it out to Josh and then Josh struck up a conversation with the man. Josh told him how he was just diagnosed that week. The man told Josh that he was diagnosed with lung cancer about a year ago but there was no way to rid his body of cancer. My heart ached in that moment. They called Josh's name and he went in to get his x-ray. The man's wife had one of those wrist bands on that said "cure cancer." I told her that I needed to get one of those. After a few minutes of small talk she told me to be strong for my husband because that is the best we as wives, can do.
It was at this time I realized I had become part of a club. I was the wife of a man with cancer. I was a member of the worst club ever but there are other women out there going through this. There are women that have been going through this for years and others like me who are just joining. I hadn't thought about myself at all through this but in this moment I could feel what this woman was going through and realized I am going through that too. I love Josh so much and I could not imagine my world with out him at the center of it. I looked at this woman whose husband just told us there is no cure for his cancer and it was the first time I started to tear up. Cancer. It seriously sucks.
I have thought about wallowing and pitying Josh and myself but I am not going to do that. There are things I am grateful for from experiencing this trial. I am so grateful that Landon is too young to realize what is going on. I am so happy he does not have to see his father going through this and understand the seriousness of it. He is just happy little Landon and his spirit is bringing the happiness we need in our home right now. He is such a joy and I know he is just so excited to have his dad pick him up and play with him again.
I am so grateful for all of the amazing people in our lives that have called to talk to Josh, emailed and facebooked kind words to him, sent cards, and came to visit. I am especially grateful for the wonderful friends and family that have made us meals because my family would be starving right now with out that help. There is so much love around us and that his really uplifted us.
I am grateful for my mom. She came here from Connecticut to be here for Landon so I could be there for Josh. Every single day that has gone by I have thought to myself "I could have never gotten through today without my mom." She has been the biggest blessing to us. It has been very humbling to be served by her.
More than anything I am grateful for my love and belief in the Lord. The power of prayer is real. God must have heard hundreds of prayers from so many people about Josh. And he answered every one of them. This has been a huge testimony builder for me. I love that I have a knowledge of the gospel.
The thought has never crossed my mind that I would lose Josh. I have always known that we would overcome this but I didn't know what to expect from the journey. I was unsure about what the treatment and recovery would bring. But this has brought us so much closer than I ever thought was possible. I love him. My gosh I love him.
I am grateful to be a member of this club because it has made me realize the beauty that life brings. Cancer sucks but life is wonderful. The little things just don't matter to me anymore. I am ready to pray for some one else. I am ready to pray for the man and his wife we met in the lobby at the hospital. I am ready to pray for a cure because I think it is time for this club to end.
The Friday before Josh's surgery he needed to get some blood work and an x-ray of his chest done. While waiting in the lobby for the x-ray there was a husband and wife sitting next to us and he had a button on his lapel that said "cancer sucks." I pointed it out to Josh and then Josh struck up a conversation with the man. Josh told him how he was just diagnosed that week. The man told Josh that he was diagnosed with lung cancer about a year ago but there was no way to rid his body of cancer. My heart ached in that moment. They called Josh's name and he went in to get his x-ray. The man's wife had one of those wrist bands on that said "cure cancer." I told her that I needed to get one of those. After a few minutes of small talk she told me to be strong for my husband because that is the best we as wives, can do.
It was at this time I realized I had become part of a club. I was the wife of a man with cancer. I was a member of the worst club ever but there are other women out there going through this. There are women that have been going through this for years and others like me who are just joining. I hadn't thought about myself at all through this but in this moment I could feel what this woman was going through and realized I am going through that too. I love Josh so much and I could not imagine my world with out him at the center of it. I looked at this woman whose husband just told us there is no cure for his cancer and it was the first time I started to tear up. Cancer. It seriously sucks.
I have thought about wallowing and pitying Josh and myself but I am not going to do that. There are things I am grateful for from experiencing this trial. I am so grateful that Landon is too young to realize what is going on. I am so happy he does not have to see his father going through this and understand the seriousness of it. He is just happy little Landon and his spirit is bringing the happiness we need in our home right now. He is such a joy and I know he is just so excited to have his dad pick him up and play with him again.
I am so grateful for all of the amazing people in our lives that have called to talk to Josh, emailed and facebooked kind words to him, sent cards, and came to visit. I am especially grateful for the wonderful friends and family that have made us meals because my family would be starving right now with out that help. There is so much love around us and that his really uplifted us.
I am grateful for my mom. She came here from Connecticut to be here for Landon so I could be there for Josh. Every single day that has gone by I have thought to myself "I could have never gotten through today without my mom." She has been the biggest blessing to us. It has been very humbling to be served by her.
More than anything I am grateful for my love and belief in the Lord. The power of prayer is real. God must have heard hundreds of prayers from so many people about Josh. And he answered every one of them. This has been a huge testimony builder for me. I love that I have a knowledge of the gospel.
The thought has never crossed my mind that I would lose Josh. I have always known that we would overcome this but I didn't know what to expect from the journey. I was unsure about what the treatment and recovery would bring. But this has brought us so much closer than I ever thought was possible. I love him. My gosh I love him.
I am grateful to be a member of this club because it has made me realize the beauty that life brings. Cancer sucks but life is wonderful. The little things just don't matter to me anymore. I am ready to pray for some one else. I am ready to pray for the man and his wife we met in the lobby at the hospital. I am ready to pray for a cure because I think it is time for this club to end.
How it started
It has been a long time but I am back! I would say that just about everyone in our lives knows what has been going on but I wanted to document it from my perspective. On March 4th Josh started complaining of a stomach ache. The next day, Monday, he could hardly get out of bed so I had to force him to go to an Urgent Care clinic. We went to the Urgent Care and after a lot of poking and prodding they decided it had to be his gallbladder and he needed an ultrasound. They wanted to wait until Wednesday to get him an ultrasound but he was in pain so I had to put my foot down and they told us we could go the next morning, Tuesday, to the American Fork Hospital to get the ultrasound. So Tuesday morning we go to the hospital and Josh gets his ultrasound. The tech was teaching some one about reading ultrasounds. She was looking at Josh's pancreas and gallbladder then asked him to lay on his side so she could get another look at his gallbladder. Then she said "let me look at your kidney while we are here." She spent a lot of time on the kidney and was pointing to the tech she was training. This is when I knew something was wrong. Josh was facing me so I didn't want to have a reaction because I knew it would make him nervous. When she was done she said it could take a day to get the results but we should call our doctor and then we can get them sooner.
We drove home and I called the doctor's office. The receptionist said to me "Actually the radiologist is on the phone with the doctor right now. Keep the phone with you and he will call you in a moment." The worry started to set in because it had to be bad for the radiologist to call that fast. The doctor called Josh and said they found a lesion on his kidney so we needed to go back to the hospital to get a CT scan and they were waiting for us at the radiology desk.
When we got to the hospital it took a little bit for them to take Josh back. I can remember now that he was googling "lesion on kidney" and I was getting mad at him. But the website he found said not to worry that it was probably nothing. They took him back and I called my sister Michelle to tell her what was going on. I didn't want to let myself get upset because it was probably nothing, a cyst at the most.
Some one came out to get me and brought me back to Josh who was in a special waiting room. This was bad. Why were they keeping us in the hospital and not letting us leave? A nurse came in and said that the doctor was about to call so we needed to answer the waiting room phone when it rang. The phone rang, Josh answered, he listened, and he started to cry. Some thing is very very wrong. He hung up the phone and started sobbing and said "it's cancer." I didn't want to be in this waiting room crying, I wanted to get him out of here. So we walked out to the car which felt like the longest walk ever. When we got in the car he just broke down in to uncontrollable sobs. I tried to hold him but it was like he needed to cry alone for a minute. I still had this feeling like, get out of here. So I started the car and drove us home.
When we got home it was like I needed to start working. We needed a urologist so I called our insurance company and they gave me a list of names. I just looked at the list and picked one. I really feel now it was divine intervention that I picked the doctor I did. I called Dr. Landau's office of the Utah Valley Urology Clinic. It was 10:30 am and they asked if we could be there at 11:00 am. I said yes and in the car we went. We got to the doctor office and filled out more paperwork and then met with Paul Rosser a nurse practitioner at the office. He immediately put us at ease with just his personality. He looked at the results of Josh's CT scan and said matter of fact "this is a very large tumor which means that it is probably cancer and you are going to need this kidney out." He wanted to have the doctor come look at it so he went and got Dr. Landau and the two of them sat down with us and told us "You have a 10 cm tumor on your 13 cm kidney. We can't save the kidney and we need to take it out." They scheduled the surgery for the following Monday.
So in the span of 2 days Josh had a stomach ache and it turned out to be cancer. Our whole world was literally flipped upside down. I have so much more to say about this experience but I will write a separate post for those : )
We drove home and I called the doctor's office. The receptionist said to me "Actually the radiologist is on the phone with the doctor right now. Keep the phone with you and he will call you in a moment." The worry started to set in because it had to be bad for the radiologist to call that fast. The doctor called Josh and said they found a lesion on his kidney so we needed to go back to the hospital to get a CT scan and they were waiting for us at the radiology desk.
When we got to the hospital it took a little bit for them to take Josh back. I can remember now that he was googling "lesion on kidney" and I was getting mad at him. But the website he found said not to worry that it was probably nothing. They took him back and I called my sister Michelle to tell her what was going on. I didn't want to let myself get upset because it was probably nothing, a cyst at the most.
Some one came out to get me and brought me back to Josh who was in a special waiting room. This was bad. Why were they keeping us in the hospital and not letting us leave? A nurse came in and said that the doctor was about to call so we needed to answer the waiting room phone when it rang. The phone rang, Josh answered, he listened, and he started to cry. Some thing is very very wrong. He hung up the phone and started sobbing and said "it's cancer." I didn't want to be in this waiting room crying, I wanted to get him out of here. So we walked out to the car which felt like the longest walk ever. When we got in the car he just broke down in to uncontrollable sobs. I tried to hold him but it was like he needed to cry alone for a minute. I still had this feeling like, get out of here. So I started the car and drove us home.
When we got home it was like I needed to start working. We needed a urologist so I called our insurance company and they gave me a list of names. I just looked at the list and picked one. I really feel now it was divine intervention that I picked the doctor I did. I called Dr. Landau's office of the Utah Valley Urology Clinic. It was 10:30 am and they asked if we could be there at 11:00 am. I said yes and in the car we went. We got to the doctor office and filled out more paperwork and then met with Paul Rosser a nurse practitioner at the office. He immediately put us at ease with just his personality. He looked at the results of Josh's CT scan and said matter of fact "this is a very large tumor which means that it is probably cancer and you are going to need this kidney out." He wanted to have the doctor come look at it so he went and got Dr. Landau and the two of them sat down with us and told us "You have a 10 cm tumor on your 13 cm kidney. We can't save the kidney and we need to take it out." They scheduled the surgery for the following Monday.
So in the span of 2 days Josh had a stomach ache and it turned out to be cancer. Our whole world was literally flipped upside down. I have so much more to say about this experience but I will write a separate post for those : )
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